At the risk of landing a spot on the homeland security watch list, I’m going to blog about going shooting again.

Yes, but this time it was handgun shooting. For the first time.

A friend of mine was going with her dad. For her, it was more than just a lark. She had a scary experience where she felt like she might have a need to protect herself, and her dad agreed to buy her a gun and teach her to shoot. Never one to miss an opportunity to scare myself s@#%less, I invited myself to tag along.

I had less than 24 hours to acquaint myself with the reality of going. I don’t know many people, especially women, who go target shooting, so I knew I had to jump on it. However, guns scare the beep out of me. I don’t really like them, but I believe that I need to learn how to use them, and I like the idea of the sport of it. So I put myself in my car, hands shaking as I plugged the address into the GPS.

Once we arrived, it was in a strip mall. Okay, I didn’t expect that at all. We walked in, and I started eyeing the people. Think about it…I was about to be side-by-side with God knows who and a gun, and I sure as hell wouldn’t have a chance in a shootout. From the initial impression, though, most of the people just looked like normal people. No one looked like they had just escaped a mental institution, no one was acting drunk or drugged, no one was acting suspicious.

Except for me, apparently. The guy at the desk right away welcomed us and said, “this is going to be fine, don’t look so scared.” I thought I was pulling it off, but no. There were no other women in there, which is intimidating, and I thought I had my butch attitude going, but no. As my son would say, “fail.” I abandoned all pretenses and admitted my nervousness. I must say the guys working there (shout out to Autrey’s Armory http://www.autreysarmory.com/our-range-i-54.html) were super cool, welcoming, and encouraging. They even have a Ladies’ Night!

I had to put my headsets on to protect my ears and choose a paper target. The choices were green person outline, bad guy, and circles. Since we were there because of some idiot who liked to prank call women, I chose the green person outline. The bad guy one freaked me out, the circles were bland, so I chose the green one because it didn’t really look like a person but kind of. I walked into the shooting range with my friend’s dad and BANG…BANG…BANG. I jumped and almost did that Animal House/Jim Belushi stance as an instinct. Holy Loud-To-My-Inner-Depths. It took a good 10 minutes to stop jumping and for my hands to be steady enough to shoot. Luckily, my friend’s dad had to instruct me anyway. Nicest guy, and very knowledgeable and professional about it all.

More or less what I looked like.

The trigger was super hard to pull. He explained that it was a safety feature. It ain’t gonna go off by accident. No way. I had to use all possible index finger strength just to pull the trigger. And I did alright. I didn’t think about hating anyone, or Osama Bin Laden, or anything. I just focused on what instruction I had received, aimed, and pulled the trigger. Kind of like when I had a golf lesson, except with a more lethal phallic object. Okay, if you were at the golf lesson, that statement may be debatable.

More or less what I looked like.

By the way, never google “phallic.” It is quite disturbing.

I hit the target every time, twice in the chest, once in the head, and the rest in random spots. I was thrilled to have hit the target, with those shaking hands and jumpy nerves. But then it was weird, looking at the person-shaped target. Would I really have it in me to shoot someone, if it came down to it? And would he be wearing green?

I am preparing to go back to skeet shooting soon with the hubby and some friends. I think I like that better. It feels more sporting and less like killing someone. At least, now I know how to use a handgun if need be. My friend was glad to know how to use her gun, but the whole concept is pretty scary. As it should be.

Don’t know if my nerves can handle handgun shooting, but if anyone’s up for a Ladies’ Night, let me know. I’ll buy the drinks afterwards.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Katie

This is what happens when I can’t sleep…

Baby Got Books

by Lady Reads-A-Lot

 

I like big books and I cannot lie

You other readers can’t deny

That when a book jumps in your itty bitty hands

And a square thing in your face you get sprung

 

Wanna pull up tough

Cause I noticed that book was stuffed

Deep in the bag you’re wearing

I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring

 

Oh baby, I wanna read witcha

And take yo picture

My homegirls tried to warn me

But that book you got is better than porn-y

 

Ooh Leather Smoothskin

You say you wanna get in my lens?

Well use me, use me

‘Cause I ain’t your average groupie

 

It’s better than dancin’;

Even got some romancin’,

I sweat, I fret,

Got it goin’ like a turbo Vette.

 

I’m tired of magazines

Sayin’ tv is the thing

Take the average reader and ask her that

She thinks books are phat

 

So, fellas,

(Yeah!)

Fellas!

(Yeah!)

Does your girlfriend read a book?

(Hell yeah!)

Tell her to shake it, shake it, shake that favorite book

 

Baby got books

 

I like ‘em rectangular and big

And when I’m buyin’ like a pig

I just can’t help myself

I’m acting like an animal

Now here’s my scandal

 

I want to get you home

And uh, double-up, uh-uh.

I ain’t talkin’ bout Playboy

Silicone parts are made for toys (But the articles are pretty damn good.)

 

I want ‘em real thick and juicy

So find that juicy novel

Reads-a-Lot’s in deep

Beggin’ for another quick peek

 

So I’m lookin’ at movie videos

Book version plots playin’ like hoes

You can have them bimbos

Remember those nails on Flo Jo?

 

A word to the thick book mastas, I wanna get witcha

I might cuss or throw ya

But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna

read til the break of dawn

 

Baby got it goin on

A lot of you won’t like this song

Cause them punks like to skim it and quit it

But I’d rather stay all day

 

So ladies

(Yeah!)

Ladies!

(Yeah!)

If you wanna drive a Mercedes,

Then read a book, and read some more

All the smart boys got to shout.

 

Baby got books.

 

So your boyfriend hates to read

And only likes tv

But tv ain’t gonna make the heart grow fonder

His anaconda don’t get none unless he’s got books, hon

 

You can do sidebends or situps

But please don’t lose those books!

Some brothers want to play that hard role

And tell you that books aren’t gold

So they toss it and leave it

And I pull up quick to retrieve it

 

So Cosmo says you’re nerdy

It ain’t down or dirty

But your cover is slick and your pages are kickin’

I’m thinkin’ bout stickin’ (my head in a book.)

 

To the brainless dames in the magazines,

You ain’t it, Miss Thang

 

So ladies if the book is good

And you want to talk about it in the hood

Call 1-800-READS-A-LOT

And bring some wine if you could.

 

Baby got books.

 

Little bit mental but she got much books.

Little bit mental but she got much books.

Little bit mental but she got much books.

(Inspired by the one and only knighted rapper I know of; the one who, when interviewed on VH1′s I Love the 80′s, noted that he looks like “a big dancing turd” on the large white buttocks in the video. Why didn’t they make them black? In fact, they’re yellow. Anyway, cheers to you, Sir Mix-a-lot, you made my 80′s a lot more fun and I thank you for paying tribute to lovely, non-stick figure women.)

 

 

 

 

Best of 2011

Are you sick of these lists yet? They start earlier and earlier, it seems. Oh well, whether you’re ready or not, it’s time for my annual Best Of playlist! At least, I think I did one last year. If I didn’t, then this is the first annual Best Of playlist.

I start making my yearly playlist on Jan. 1 every year. I love doing it. I love seeing what we bought through the year. The ridiculous amount of money that I would rather forget about spending in iTunes every year results in our end of year playlist. Of the 30 some-odd singles we bought, only the best of the best can make it to the final playlist. And it’s really not just my playlist. It’s my family’s, and every family member has input. I make sure we are all reflected in the playlist from the year. So blah blah blah, let’s get to it.

Anderson’s Best of 2011:

1. On the Floor/Jennifer Lopez: We loved her on American Idol and how can you not shake your booty when you hear “Let me introduce you… to my party people…in the cluuuuuuuub…” It’s a fun one and won the lead-in spot.

2. Tightrope/Janelle Monae: This one is, for me, a different sound. That’s what attracted me to it, initially. I thought, this is like Outkast different. And lo and behold, Big Boi is featured on it! I love that they hail from ATL and it’s something new. Even had to get it for my ringtone.

3. (It) Feels So Good/Steven Tyler: Oh, Steven Tyler, you sexy, rhyming, soulful, kooky rascal, you. You old-enough-to-be-my-father, you. This song makes me play my air guitar and scream in glass-breaking pitch. We loved him, too, on Idol.

4. Born This Way/Lady Gaga: The kids love the Gag-ster. I love the message. So here it is.

5. Animal/Neon Trees: Honestly, I have no idea who this group is. Haven’t even Googled them. All I know is, it’s a great tune for driving on the highway.

6. Moves Like Jagger/Levine and Aguilera: When I first heard this song, I didn’t like it. Which I now know means it will be HUGE. It grew on me. The kids love it. Gave me reason to educate the 10 year old and 6 year old on all things Jagger and Stones.

7. Grenade/Bruno Mars: The kids and I love to sing this one, with all of that emotion and heart-wrenching despair…”why were they open?” I don’t know, though, I kind of regret putting it on here due to the overplay, much like Adele.

8. Stereo Hearts/Gym Class Heroes: Again, no clue who these people are. I’m so freakin’ old. Kids love it. I don’t mind driving along to it. Have you noticed my husband hasn’t been mentioned yet? He could care less about the first part of this list.

9. Mr. Know It All/Kelly Clarkson: The kids and I love her. She is our American Idol. I love that she is never in the tabloids. She can sing anything. She is lovely.

10. Save Me, San Francisco/Train: Okay, is there a Train backlash or something? Regardless, we like their songs. That lead singer looks older and I’m all for older folks having success (J. Lo, S. Ty, Train.)

11. Brighter Than the Sun/Colbie Caillat: This is the sweetest little song. My 6 year old belts it out like there’s no tomorrow. This is, hands down, her favorite. I like positive songs that brighten my mood, and this one is all that.

12. Come Back Song/Darius Rucker: And now we come to the country portion of the playlist. My husband loves this one. As we all do. He and I went to see DR in September and he is awesome. Such a fun show. I love this man’s voice, whether it be country or otherwise. He also happens to be my celebrity crush and from my homestate of SC. Ah, Darius, how I love to hear you on my radio.

13. Knee Deep/Zac Brown Band: Come on, this is another great party song by some good Georgia boys. Raise your beer and sing along. Our whole family loves them. Also went to see them with some great friends in the summer and had a blast. I love all kinds of music, but seems like I only go to see country shows. Guess I am a country Southern girl at heart.

14. Dirt Road Anthem/Jason Aldean: We all love this one, too. Jason is also from Georgia, my birth state and adopted homestate. I think he took a bit of a risk on this one, adding in the rap segment, but I love it. Again, something new and different. And I love it when several music styles are melded into one, since I love so many different styles of music.

15. Barton Hollow/Civil Wars: Well, this group just blew up this year, didn’t they?! I remember before I knew who they were, I saw them on Leno (who I never watch because of my unfailing, stalker-like loyalty to Conan O’Brien.) I asked my husband, “Who is that?” and could not tear myself away from their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. It was just the two of them and a guitar. I love this song and loudly sing Joy Williams’ part every time it’s on…”cain’t no preacher man save my…SOUL.”

16. All Your Life/The Band Perry: This one is for me. Again, I love to belt it out like I am Kimberly Perry and I am at the Ryman Auditorium…”all your li i i i fe…li i i ife…” And I love the writing. Of this song and the others. I love when she does that part “Lately I’ve been writing… desperate love songs… mostly sing them to the wall. You could be the centerpiece ooooof my obsessio-o-on, if you would notice me, I, oh whoa, yeah ye-ah yeah…” Love the drama and the heartache! Love that they write their stuff. They’re Alabama peeps. My ancestors are from Alabama, so I figure we’re probably related, right?

Last but not least 17. Rhythm of Love/Plain White T’s: Thought this was a good one to end on. Sweet, good theme, and we all like it. And that’s really what it’s all about- love. From the Beatles in the 60′s to the Plain White T’s in 2011, and now to you: Love is all we need.

All the best to you and yours in 2012,

Katie

 

 

David Sedaris, Robert Siegel, my Samsung Galaxy, and me

It’s my holiday blog! A hog, if you will.

So far my December has been made up of many, many lists of varying degrees of importance. There are lists of people to buy for, a list of people to send cards to, a birthday list for my oldest, grocery lists for holiday eats, quick lists for last-minute needs from Michael’s, and the usual to-do list that somehow needs to get done in the midst of holiday to-do’s.

This year, I’ve used technology like a junkie uses her heroin. If I misplace my Samsung Galaxy smart phone for even a nanosecond, I get the shakes. If I leave my phone at home while shopping, I start to trash the store like a Charlie Sheen hotel room. Ok, now I’m exaggerating, but suffice it to say I get pretty stressed out. My phone has my world in it. It has been so helpful to me in my time of need; I feel like it’s another appendage. My memo app is like a sister to me. At the least, a 1st girl cousin. It’s the personal assistant I’ve always wanted. It’s the wife I’ll never have; damn you, Heterosexuality!

My computer has been a helpful holiday tool, as well. I have ordered so many gifts online this year; it has been wonderful. I’m not really a big shopper. I like to get in and get it done.  I do not delight in finding that oh-so-difficult-to-find-toy; in fact, I despise it. My daughter, I discovered yesterday, wants one of those toys this year; last week, mind you, it was easy to find. It was relatively cheap. I just wasn’t ready yet…I didn’t have my list together. So this week, it’s nowhere. I mean, nowhere. It’s a voice activated diary, with invisible ink and at this point, hopefully in a jewel-encrusted case, because I had to go on eBay and pay TWICE the amount to “Buy It Now.” Newsflash: I do not have the attention span or patience for the auctions. Said toy also got mixed reviews online with the voice recognition looking questionable, but it was in her top 3. I’m realizing as I write this what an even huge-r idiot I am. But, it was free 2 day shipping. (NO IT WASN’T! YOU PAID TWICE THE PRICE FOR THE @#$% TOY, HUGE IDIOT!)

Despite this trauma, I am moving on and am just trying to finish the lists. My list for the kids is in Word, rather than a scrap piece of paper this year. I still have not gotten over the year that my son found the scrap paper and I had to do some scrambling to be sure he was surprised. He wasn’t even snooping; he stumbled upon it. While they shouldn’t be in my Word for any reason, I still was careful not to name it “Christmas List for the Kids 2011.” I tried to think of names for it that would repel any snoopage; I thought of naming it “Lunch at American Girl” for my 10-year-old son, but it wouldn’t work for the 6-year-old girl. There was “Church Clothes and Shoes”, but again, the girl would look. So I came up with “NPR,” a subject which creates a rare unity of disgust and annoyance in both kids. When it’s on the radio, their cries of “No, Mom” are in beautiful, Simon-and-Garfunkle harmony.

They even typed in their lists on my phone themselves. Again, no paper to keep up with. They put it in, so it’s not MY list of items bought. It’s their list for me. Perfect! Except there’s nothing handwritten to keep in their memory books. Oh yeah, they don’t have memory books. They do have memory boxes, which is filled with stuff that would look great in a memory book. I do plan on putting those together, as soon as I’m retired.

I am making my lists and checking them twice. Right there, on my phone and in my computer. I feel more organized this year, which probably means I’m about to go off the rails. Sometimes I feel like I live in the weeds; maybe I really like it there. I do need some pressure to get motivated, so maybe I am just a weeds kind of girl. If you’re gonna live in the weeds, you better have some technology and some lists.

How did we do it in yesteryear without all of this technology? We did it, but I’m glad we don’t have to anymore. I got a wireless printer early this year for Christmas, so no real need for a list for myself; but I do have one awesome gift for you to put on your list: David Sedaris’ holidays on ice. Here’s an excerpt:

“This afternoon I worked as an Exit Elf, telling people in a loud voice, ‘THIS WAY OUT OF SANTALAND.’ A woman was standing at one of the cash registers paying for her idea of a picture, while her son lay beneath her kicking and heaving, having a tantrum.

The woman said, ‘Riley, if you don’t start behaving yourself, Santa’s not going to bring you any of those toys you asked for.’

The child said, ‘He is too going to bring me toys, liar, he already told me.’

The woman grabbed my arm and said, ‘You there, Elf, tell Riley here that if he doesn’t start behaving immediately, then Santa’s going to change his mind and bring him coal for Christmas.’

I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you’re bad he comes to your house and steals things. I told Riley that if he didn’t behave himself, Santa was going to take away his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him in the dark. ‘All your appliances, including the refrigerator. Your food is going to spoil and smell bad. It’s going to be so cold and dark where you are. Man, Riley, are you ever going to suffer. You’re going to wish you never heard the name Santa.’

The woman got a worried look on her face and said, ‘All right, that’s enough.’

I said, ‘He’s going to take your car and your furniture and all the towels and blankets and leave you with nothing.’

The mother said, ‘No, that’s enough, really.’ –Holidays on Ice, David Sedaris

I heart David Sedaris. Put it on your list. Better yet, go buy it now.

http://www.amazon.com/Holidays-Ice-David-Sedaris/dp/0316035904

But please don’t mention to him that I put the excerpt on here. I think I could get in trouble, so if you know him, don’t mention it to him, ‘kay?

And, here is my holiday gift to you: this Elf Yourself video with myself, David Sedaris, Robert Siegel, and my Samsung phone:

Me and my elf buds

Happy Elfing Holidays to you and yours!

Katie

p.s. Sorry if the blog technology is not up to par…my absence from my blog might be showing in my lacking blog finesse.

Groundhog Day-itis

The other day I was walking in from taking the kids to school and as I opened the door and crossed over the threshold, I felt a weird sensation, like a deja-vu. It felt like a mix of been- there-done-that; dread; and fatigue. But then I realized it wasn’t really a deja-vu. It wasn’t nearly that cool. Instead, I actually had lived that mundane scene over and over, every weekday morning. It was life imitating art: a sense of “Groundhog Day” in real life.

The movie is superb; the feeling that you are reliving your days over and over, not so much. Groundhog Day-itis, I assert, is an unfortunate, soul-killing symptom of the Midlife Crisis.

The Midlife Crisis must happen to every one of us. I think we all have our own version; regrettably, some of us turn into clichés and buy a sports car/toupee/plastic surgery/mistress/boytoy. Some of us claim we didn’t have one, but I’m not buying it. A Midlife Crisis is as natural of a stage of personal development as walking and talking.

When you get to midlife, you realize that there are many things you haven’t had the time, money, motivation and/or balls to do yet. You get up, “I’ve got you babe” playing on the clock radio, go to work, take the kids to activities, cook dinner, put kids to bed, watch tv, go to bed. Then you do it again the next day, same order, with very few changes.

When I get that Groundhog Day feeling, I have to shake it off and shake it up. I like some loose structure to my day, with lots of opportunities to fill in the blanks as I go. Some might call it ADD, and some might be right. I like to call it soul preservation.

I found this quote from JFK today: “The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.” -www.goodreads.com

He may have been speaking of bigger events than my midlife crisis, but I see a connection nonetheless. I’m going to make my midlife crisis mine. I won’t deny it. I won’t ignore it. I’ll allow myself to be stupid (like the night of drinking and dancing and the scary old married man buying drinks for my group of mom friends), but I’m not going to do anything BIG stupid. I’m not too cool to have a midlife crisis. I won’t be a cliche…I’ll do my midlife crisis my way.

So what have I done? I’ve gone back to school with a bunch of 19 year olds. It’s gotten me out of my comfort zone and it hasn’t been easy, but it’s been great for me. School is a WONDERFUL place to spend a midlife crisis, and it’s way better than plastic surgery or a pool boy.

What haven’t you done that you’ve always wanted to do? If you can’t do it now, then start researching it. When the time is right, you’ll be ready.

It doesn’t have to just be a scary, dangerous time. It can also be an opportunity to better yourself.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Katie

Food Truck Fever

Have you tried the food trucks in Atlanta yet? If you haven’t, keep reading and then go! I am loving the casual dining experience the food trucks offer, and the prices are right for the times. Or any times, really. I beg you to tell me, where else can you get a gourmet meal for $5 in Atlanta?

Granted, if you do it the way I did it and graze your way around to as many trucks as you can, you will spend more than $5. But I don’t get into Atlanta as often as I’d like, and I had to make the most of the opportunity!

Here’s what I recommend:

First, try as many options as your belly can hold. Start at Yumbii, a mash-up of Korean, Mexican, and Southern food, and go for the $3 fish taco. Crispy fried fish, with a dab of a creamy tartar sauce and a spicy red sauce…really good. The employees deliver a nice side dish of customer service along with the delicious food. Then, meander over to Sweet Auburn BBQ; try the pork taco with Asian slaw and wash it down with some Asian mint tea…a total of $5. Gotta love it.

Next, for less than $10, share a dessert trio: a gourmet popsicle from King of Pops to eat right away (I had Blueberry Ginger Lemonade–the kids and I fought over it!); some gelato from Honeysuckle Gelato to share next (try The Kang…an ode to Elvis’ love of chocolate and peanut butter); and to take home, a cupcake from Yum Yum Cupcake (I got both a red velvet and a key lime. They lasted, at most, a couple of hours.)

Sit down on the curb or under a shady tree with your cheap eats. The event takes place in a parking lot, but don’t be scared. It makes for a fun, interactive experience in which to talk with other customers about the food. The kids can run around and play. Plus, you save on tip with no wait staff!

If you’ve already been, let me know what your favorites are! If you haven’t, check out www.atlantastreetfood.com for more information. You can also follow @atlstreetfood on Twitter to find out where they are each day for lunch and dinner. I can’t wait to go back and try the others.

Hope you have a great weekend. It’s supposed to be beautiful weather here; hope it is wherever you are.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Katie